Dreams have been haunting me lately.

For some reason I have woken up on monday mornings around 4.30 feeling anxious or completely dissatisfied. (Err...Because it's monday?) But this monday I woke up again at the same time my heart beating almost out of my chest and feeling so angry that I almost hit the wall due to frustration. I'm not an aggressive person and I rarely get angry to anyone because I simply don't take things personally. I may be a bit fiery for a moment that's it. That is why I still keep wondering what dreams I saw that night...

This morning was something completely different and when I woke up I ran straight to my flatmates room to get a hug. I remember dreaming about wondering around in this strange facility when suddenly I felt lumps around my groin (lymph nodes) area. They got bigger and painful to touch and then I had to lift my pyjama to take a look and saw my skin covered with circular ekseema. Then my palms started burning. (At this point I cried others to call the ambulance with an accent I'm not familiar with.) I took a look at them and similar rash right over there. Worst part was I felt the pain in my back and as the pyjama was lifted for that area to be seen I realized that it wasn't me with that pain but an elderly person in hospital tunic. The skin on that persons back was mostly necrotised/ peeled away revealing the underlying fat and muscles. While that picture burned in to my memory I suddenly woke up with the pain and terror. (my medical mind remembering vividly the symptoms of sepsis, toxic shock syndrome, necrotising fasciitis etc.)

When I was younger I learned that there were the bad people and the good people. Goodies always won the war and were beautiful, wise, generous and more awesome in every way than the baddies.

As I grew older and sticked my head into the world of books (where it hasn't left ever since) and eventually found my way to the internet I learned that the position of good vs. bad isn't always that black and white. A few lectures and teacher probably have been cursing me and my questions about things that should be taken full granted and understood the way they are written. In the confirmation camp I got all excited about religion and the christian community I belonged to until the training to become one of the younger confirmation tutors when I was told to speak only about the matters from the Holy book itself and not to raise the philosophical thoughts of Socrates, Platon, folklore etc.  which to my point of view would have been relevant considering that confirmation camps should give the teenagers a.k.a young adults tools to understand the world, prepare themselves for the world and responsibilities of an adult and give the possibility of founding a strong believe and firm place in the christian community if they so decide. We all are free to do soul searching by reading the thoughts of great minds, important religious books, literacy and to find our place and the life philosophy to adapt to.  Right?

Apparently things are not simple.

I just learned that as a christian I wouldn't be welcomed to receive the Holy Communion in a Catholic Church due to the fact that I'm a Lutheran and not a Roman Catholic. So if I want to receive the Holy Communion I have to travel all the way to a Lutheran Church?! At the same time the Hindu Temple and Buddhist temples would welcome me gladly to learn about their ways without trying to convert me in to anything I free willingly don't want to. A bit strange to me I must say...

Roughly ten years ago I had the change to join a pilgrimage to Taizé Community in France. Everybody was welcome no matter from what background you're from and could receive the Holy Communion if wanted. All us christians and others under the same roof learning about great gift of life, how to respect each other and ourself.

I do understand the needs of all the norms and rules that communities have developed but some of them do make me questions the ideas of them. I know that I'm actually talking about a sensitive area here and many a people may strongly disagree with me.

I'm not challenging religions with my statements but maybe questioning the adapting of religion into politics and our actions. Is it always a benefit of the society in he modern multicultural world we are living in?

This may not be the best example but starting from the basics: for example movie Made in Dagenham dramatizes the sewing machinists strike in the 1968 that aimed for equal pay for women. It aroused cultural and social storm and is one great example of the awakening of women's rights. Why on earth women should receive the same payment as men? God created the man first from the mans rib and woman was second to serve the man right?!

Were these norms based on the religious cultural thinking or is it just a coincidence?..

What I have read from the holy book everyone has it's place. In the old testament the world was ruled by the men and therefore the text form is based on the male thinking right? And if we skip the awkward bit of taking concubines and stealing others daughters, butchering people  etc. Still without a doubt woman has her own place in the society and a good wife who did good job was praised. Song of the songs is my favorite part of the bible. The love and commitment between two people!

I also haven't fully understood wars where both of the sides think is justified by the god. Are all the rules created by the religion or our own human minds lusting after power and being terrified by a change in order? Do we justify all of our actions with religion even thought the religious ideas may not completely be there to justify these actions? How about the hypocritical behavior of making more money on other peoples expenses not sharing your good fortune with anyone and going to the church on sundays to pray love towards thy neighbor? How about looking for that perfect woman to be your wife who's a virgin/untouched/pure and loyal while you have fucked half of the city by the age of 25 and keep on doing that while you're married? Or the neighbor woman who definitely makes sure that if any rule is broken she will be the one pointing her finger at them while she herself has broken the rules more than once "but that's not the same thing because I've done so much good I have the privilege to..."  Yeah right. And after all of this these people think where did all the karma come back to them?

As a reasonable people we should be able to live in a multicultural society without much a difficulties and respect each other and cultures without the pain, suffering and fear caused by violence, raping, "holy" wars and insulting acts towards our fellow humans.

These are just a few things that keep me thinking and wondering. That's why occasionally I rather say that I'm a spiritual person than a religious one. Just because of the negative aspects I have seen the religion put together with.