Monday: A day off to gather myself back together and prioritize things in my life before the surgery. The clock is ticking and the D-day salutes me around the corner. The ever approaching next week!

I must say my landlord is the most amazing and fair man in the world. Not only a reasonable rent but he also replaces my broken single bed to a small double bed with a good mattress and changes a not-so-well-working blinds all free of charge. AMAZING!

Saturday the rain and grayness... and the store quieting Gay Pride! The traffic, as usual, completely f.... up, plenty of people everywhere and I literally felt the atmosphere to my small chucked away office in the back of the store.

Monday morning's  self-spoiling session. 

This morning is definitely one of those to remember. Imagine sitting on a small table in this idyllic small cafe La complainte de la butte by Rufus Wainwright playing in the background. People who's faces you recognize smile or nod at you and all the worries fade away with every sip of that amazing apple, pineapple and mint juice.

Food for the soul or what?

There I continued my way to central London to arm myself with green mirrored Ray Ban Aviators and clothes that are easy to to pull on. Life with one arm should be made as easy as possible.













Yesterday I got lost surfing the web again and actually watched this documentary (first of a series) of consumer culture and how we, consumers, are being brainwashed and engineered to upgrade, upgrade, upgrade and waste our fortune and time to something newer and better, because everyone has it and the media makes us believe that these things will magically change our lives... and actually we have no idea why we want to upgrade and spent. The men who made us spend read that and watch all the clips if you have a chance.

I'm not against consumer culture but the way it effects to our hold of the reality and belief's troubles me. I've met people living in a strange fantasy world not in touch with the reality and those who evaluate people by their superficial material gain and looks. Disturbing how some people can't walk out of their front door without their fake lashes nor thousand dollar shoes etc. I have never heard that you would be able to bring your fortune not even your fake size E boobs to your grave (Trust me some sick bastard will rob those ones too! And sell them forward to another blindfolded consumer..). Like that would really grade us? When it comes to surviving it doesn't matter what your carrying with you. Quality over quantity! And unfortunately the-engineered-expiery-date on products doesn't make even the known brands trustworthy. 2nd hand/vintage and thrift shopping here I come!

But everyone has the right to value their own things in life. What am I to comment to that?

"Today I walked on clouds,

       enjoyed the life's simple delights.

          After strange storms when rights to own pleasure 

              and ego's collides.

                I decided to step out of scene of proving market values,

                    making back flips and performing for others to use.

                      By not stressing about things and people who in the end gain less than loose, 

                          lifting my head up and rediscovering my own space and the people who I choose.

                               After all.... give and take they say,

                                  dealing with rare diamonds there's no other way."

For end amusement: Behold! This is my pink super trolley for those days of being only 1 handed. I already awakened  amusement near by Swiss Cottage while testing my wheels in everyday shopping.

F for frustration.

I woke up after six to get prepared for my early morning appointment at the Hospital. Good thing about the more earlier hours on weekdays is the space around you in the public transportation that allows you to move around and breath freely.

Got my appointment on time and shortly I faced with a nurse with a pile of paper looking more like a bible full of questions about my medical history and current health status.

Everything seemed absolutely fine and my narrow systemic medical history was shortly written down. (I know, I know.... but sports injuries etc. go under being active person and those simply aren't major medical problems.) The story would have been completely different if questions would have touched matters of heart, future plans or my current all-over-the-place role at work.

It is funny that I can be professional and confident when helping others to deal with their medical things but I just simply start panicking when visiting my GP or hospital myself. It happened again:

Blood pressure measurements were taken and I started giggling nervously when I saw my heart rate rising:

 ..... 65........  72 .......  78 ..... 80 ....

Hyperventilation and panicking are the names of the game! Hard to admit but I still feel light headed and shaky.  And it didn't help to get a pile of papers and advice to take home.

There I was listening with my heart rate rising by every word that she said and when asked if I had any questions:

With arms wrapped around my body to keep me from shaking and eyes fully open with begging stare I asked: "When will I have the next appointment after the surgery? I really want to fly to Finland to see my family and be looked after by them". 

Nurse: "The doctor will tell you exactly what will come after your surgery. "

Apparently my return to Finland for a short time period is endangered.


Universe can you stop sending more shit to my direction?! Every cloud should have a silver lining. And I'm a diamond already so no more pressure is needed!

YEAH BABY! Or actually... my shoulder... sh....

The only thing you can do in these kind of situations is just to laugh on the faces of challenges and stop caring about things that don't deserve your attention. BOOM!

Just to annoy you guys here's my song of the week. Pharrell Williams - Happy

There are still many questions that haven't found any answers... yet.

Questions like what is the meaning of life? What is conciseness? What happens after life? And why 1/3 of the customers in my local Marks&Spencer's eat their grocery that they haven't even paid yet?! And why on earth people travel on the underground wearing sunglasses? (I know my presense can be quite blinding at the times.  I just can't help it! But still...) WHY??!

We may never know the answers but that doesn't mean that these subjects wont irritate us in the future as well...

Day off was a long waited blessing and time charge to my batteries. As soon as I got home from work I made some crepes and almost immediately fell asleep... just to wake up again 10pm to an achy shoulder and stayed awake till 2am.

The best crepes in the world need only some 

gluten free all purpose flour, eggs, sparkling water
and a pinch of salt and oil. The fillings can be anything you wish.
Sweet or savory you decide!

My brother woke me up at 10am first laughing what on earth I'm doing in the bed at this time and then asking when will I come to Finland. I've been officially hired to babysit one of these fellows while he renovates the kitchen and my sister in law cruises to Stockholm.  The idea having some fluffy  company while medicated and recovering after the surgery sounds amazing.

He promised pretty good salary: Barbecued meals for 3 days! (Not sure will that cover my brothers talkative nature and fierce temper..)

On my day off I try to do as much as I can to avoid anything related to work or any matter causing stress. So eventually I found myself on my way to Hoxton and the Geffrye Museum of Home .

Blessed by the sun

Hoxton station has that twist and nice
mix of old and modern

At least in overground you have some space to breath!

Not just beautiful architecture but examples of peoples life from the 1600's to 20th century! And looking at it I came to conclusion that England's taste of decor has never developed since the late 1800's. What else could explain the whole floor carpets, floral sofas and having laminate floors (or a carpet) in the bathroom?!

 I fell in love with the small reading rooms about culture, decoration, history,  garden etc.

Got super excited when found this book and a lot of information about finnish design too. The classic Marimekko was represented (at least in this book) but I was surprised not to find anything designed by Alvar Aalto.  His chairs are just much more better looking...

Apparently Denmark has left a bigger impression in UK than any other culturally scandinavian country. Your loss England.

I did spend most of my visit in the garden admiring the plants and nature. 

I took many a pictures more but decided that I wont bore you with my fetish. In the future I will for sure have my own small garden with all shebang: Herbs, flowers, trees... You name it! And of course that small atelje, studio room, cottage where I can retreat to think and be a loner at times. 

Just walking around staring at things and mind completely blank can be really relaxing.

And I made history too. Not in a five years have I taken out my pencils, oil paints etc. and used the now dusty corner of my brains to mix and mingle with colors to create different visions.  How could I with all that work and studying? So let me introduce you to a few of my so called drawings. Color pencils are not my tool of choice and the color palette a bit too narrow for my taste and the result a bit rusty (Actually really, I mean REALLY, rusty)... But one of these days I'll get there again!  

Have anyone of you guys experienced the full force of the monday misery?... (M-M between friends!) Well I did. Not only I felt like risen from the grave but starting from my nail polish that just didn't succeed it continued all the way from customers bringing it all out on you to a hair frizzing rain after work. Not even a bucket full of french roast vanilla coffee did save my day.

Salmiakki and finnish chocolate in the same package... 

happy days!

One film I would highly recommend for everyone to watch I am slave directed by Garbriel Range. Girl brought up to understand her value and look people in the eyes without fear is suddenly sold to be a slave.  The result of physical and mental abuse is terrible and makes holding to your identity everyday challenge.  I found myself holding my breath and tears when she first saw her farther after 6 years and couldn't reach him. Same thing when she turned to a stranger for help and looking straight into his eyes said she's a slave.



As a finn I have to disagree with the blog writing by Just Saskia about this movie. Book probably is better as usual but I wouldn't call this movie flat at all. (After all The Man Without a Past by Aki Kaurismäki is a a good example of a true finnish pearl about "flatness".)  You don't need special effects nor animation to make an amazing movie. After all I'm a slave is based on a true story.

Btw. The shoulder operation still approaching and apparently in speed off light! This friday morning I'll have a meeting with the anesthesia department and only in 2 weeks from today I'll be under the knife. How scary is that?!

I've never broken a bone nor been in a proper surgery in my whole life and there it is. Right in front of me! It really doesn't help to have years of knowledge behind you about these matters. And don't let me even get started about the results of my analytic thinking. The worst nightmares gone through already... so been there, done that, seen all! How amazing human mind can be?

But maybe this will stop these odd situation in my life when a glass suddenly slips of from my hand? Or a telephone? (Thank god it wasn't a customer at the other end of the line!) And sometimes even a small plastic bag. How about that lack of normal skin sensations? Maybe I actually will be able, on my worst days, to sleep without an army of pillows to position my shoulder or when the pain really hits you and the storm nausea drives you crazy live without all that?

I was once asked where I see myself in ten years time. Over half a year ago the answer was simple: I'll have my very own hospital/clinic or even chain of clinics and would be a successful osteopath known all over the world!

Now when I was asked the very same question I experienced one of those speechless moments. Where am I going to be?... What am I going to be?... and that oh so familiar blond moment when nothing moves in your head and suddenly it all clicks together. With a confidence I said that in ten years time I wish I'm happy and healthy (with a working arm too!). I will have my very own family and be surrounded by my loved ones. People who care about me and who I care about.

Once your successful among the people around you it all will sort itself out.

I was taught from a very young age to respect everybody around me. No matter where they come from or what burden they carry because one of these days I maybe the one carrying that burden and any burden is much more easier carried when you got some help. That doesn't mean that you should always take the easier route, please everybody and walk paths laid in-front of you. It's all about respect. (Wink wink... after the surgery I really may need your help guys in simple everyday things like cooking, washing my hair etc. As a reward you can have some of my signature cupcakes! Once I'm able to bake again... BUT it's all about the idea right?)

This morning when crawling to the bathroom all cross eyed and looking like a Tina Turner having a really, really bad day, through the open window the smell of summer welcomed me. Rain didn't only flush dirt and pollen away but leave this amazing smell of nature waking up lingering in the air.

Thank god for the other days of the week!

Midsummer. The time of nightless night and reconnecting yourself with the nature and ground (sometimes a bit too literally).

I ended up sharing my night with the most amazing people (not with the people I originally chose to but there must be a greater reason for the change of plans. Besides being somebody's back up plan is not really that mind exploding).

The night was not just dancing, drinking nor eating but a feast of laughter and fun! Let the pictures speak more than words!

Grass between my toes

I couldn't care less of those

worries in my mind and heart

which once in a while turn into 

a bigger form of an art.

Breeze in my hair

a mind full of dare

sweet taste left on my lips

I cannot believe this is something

people choose to miss!

Lost in the midsummer dance

where time stops and not only for a glance 

But for a full day of play and joy

when world is not only your oyster but a toy

So please do excuse me when I say

midsummer is the time to break the never ending

routine play 

No titles nor material gain

Just the happiness of existing and time to be gay!

Hope you all had amazing Juhannus/Midsummer day!

Once in a while the world gives you a huge  bitch slap on the cheek when you least expect it.

That does apply to good things in life as well and before you even notice it you're in a somehow historically distantly familiar situation and those somehow stiffly recognizable memories and feelings pop back in the surface and you find yourself feeling even more lost than you felt the first time in your life when facing these kind of things.

Fantastic highlights of my current situation:

1. Feeling like an actress without her script: "Should I say something now or do something?....".

2. Becoming paranoid: "OOoookaaaAAAyyyy.... There's definitely something going on in here!".

3. And happy awakening to the life again: "WHAT?! There's something else to life than 24/7 work and studying and crashing into bed completely exhausted accompanied by my owl, some food or my neuroanatomy books?!"

Praise the spring and butterflies!

But to be honest: I'm still working like mad. Sundays are meant to be worked 8am to 6pm right?.... Once a ass off worker, alway a ass off worker!

Actually my holiday is lurking behind the corner more sooner than I expected. Shoulder's getting operated in the beginning of july. Depending on the surgery the recovery will take several weeks to months. (That means possibly a lot of overtime at work in the very near future to cover the financial gap and summer holiday in agony but I've been told that the medication should be pretty good...That means that I'll have the most bizarre tan lines from my arm sling and happy I-have-a-permission-not-to-do-anything-and-just-lay-in-here-in-the-sun moments in the park).

It seems that for some reason NOW in my life some things seem to become more easier than they have been in a long, loooooong, time. This time I don't have to fight to get help, be heard and get the change to do something with my life. This time I wont be treated as someone to gain from but actually appreciated for who I am: The stubborn sometimes very honest strong minded girl with the ability becoming a Google in the most bizarre matters and the annoying visible over optimism in every damn thing. BOOM!

It feels good to be able to breath again and not not look over your shoulder 24/7 waiting for the next challenger and thread. It being a surprise bill, exam, lack off work hours, bad weather, your favorite chocolate being discontinued, man with bad habits, burned soya in your soya latte or a really nasty London weather Frizzing my hair up.

Here's a few pic's from my past few days.

Been so busy that even the flowers I
bought for myself to cheer me up died.

Imagine walking down the street in Notting Hill when...

This is the house where one of the most historically known finn lived years ago. Have to admit  I wasn't aware of this until the moment I happened to walk by with girls while babysitting.  Got to re-sit my history lessons again...

Soya frappe while waiting for laundry to finish it circles. Vilja way too sweet for my taste!

Got to get prepared and plan my shopping list filled with books that I always wanted to read, clothes that are easy to put on with one arm and places that are not too far away from home.

On my highest state again.

I wrap myself deeper into my blankets

And hope I could be in the past...

and forget the past.

Both at the same time.

Yep. Once again I found myself. 

Here on my highest state again. 

Swedish Glace Delicious chocolate ice creamish thingy and always ever so entertaining Nostalgia critic (Thanks Topi for introducing him. I know now with whom to spend my evenings with!)  were the best therapy after 11h work shift. I just can't help it... when there's work to be done I'll do it no matter how long it'll take. (After some good and some bad decisions result was pretty niiiceee).

Long story short: It's operation time! My shoulder will get intruded by some sharp instruments and apparently not just a small clean up but the whole shebang! Decompression and rotator cuff surgery A.K.A. "Lets shave some bone/other tissues, cut here and there and maybe stitch here and there... possibly drill bits'n pieces... and Vola!".

Can't wait! 

And the like hood of me surviving as an osteopath for most of my life? HA! So it's time to see the new challenges and set up some different goals! 

Actually I'm pretty fed up of me and others repeating the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" and find the idea of creating a nasty habit of drinking myself into unconscious stage at least couple of times a week hilarious. 

But in the other hand this would be a perfect time to take some time for myself and finally find the one?... Who am I kidding! The ones who know my luck with men understand the following statements perfectly: my closest relationship where I feel the most loved and respected will probably be with a furry four legged creature (It only respects me as the thing giving food and cleaning up the mess it makes. Oh wait minute... I actually have had those relationships with three legged ones as well!)

I'll probably end up having myself a pet. Cat. Yes a cat and when finally the most amazing perfect handsome still a bit rough Batman arrives into my life the scene will be like this:

I had the privilege to be visited by my friend Anne. We have a long history together and boy her visit was yet again amazing. Making the world a better place while drinking a few drinks, gossiping about everything between the sky and earth, her demanding bedtime stories, finding free silicone breast filler from a handbag she bought and the always ever so working life advices:

"Kiki... remember before you buy a new bed you should test the mattress. Just like with men. Once you bring it home it's really hard to get ride off it!".

Best of all was to have her next to me on the semifinals and finals. Finland against Canada. BOOOM! And then Russia. Not so booom... remember guys Putin is loaded and now the final game referees probably have a nice palace in Russia (or maybe a russian postal bride?). 

The most challenging situation where I felt a bit torn between commitments was when my manager in near end of my shift asked to have chat about my plans etc. (And the ice hockey game had started all ready!!!). Luckily everything went smoothly and I didn't get too many bad looks. 

Have to also mention a nice work training trip to Nottingham where I met some amazing people and things to bite my teeth in and concentrate while being lost with my life.

Last weekend went a bit out of hands again and I found myself kissing&hugging everybody, waking up with a ink markings  all over my forearm (and due to funny sleeping position on my forehead). Somehow I also managed to loose my clutch bag at the club too with my phone in it. So sorry for not adding any videos nor pictures to this post. I'll add those later once I get the hold of my phone again. 

Today I managed to get myself out from the flat to buy a spare phone and out of know where to test this hair salon close to me to and due to sudden inspiration get my hair done. And what a good decision was that! The hairdresser Sylvia knew exactly that my hair doesn't need peroxide but some brightening and result is first of all natural but also amazing.

BTW guys. Sometimes is fun to become child again and stay in bed hence I can recommend watching this animation movie: How to train your Dragon Funnily I found myself laughing and occasionally emotional. The phrases "..we have this issue with stubbornness" and "The food here is tough and tasteless... just like the people here." Bring back cosy memories from my home. Finland. Like in the movie I rather break a rock with my forehead than throw myself on someone. More stylish!

Here's a few songs that I've been listening 24/7 and some that  ever so slightly describe different situations from the past couple of weeks: