Surgery done and dusted. Now hard part of rehab the real work starts like my fysio through the phone told: "Enjoy the resting while you can because we're going to make you work!". And if he's anything like his voice promises I'll be happy to be put in work by him...

Let me capture my experience into a few sentences and pictures:

1. going there in the morning. No make up, loose clothes, nails cut etc.

2. Waiting waiting waiting..... shot time (water), longing after food and sexy hospital stockings. (You should have seen the nickers...)

This is actually 30ml medicine cup but the fasting before
the surgery allowed us only a small shot off water every hour
and trust me. This is the angle I saw that small shot glass of water.
So thirsty and hungry!

Me at my best. Jacqueline laughed her head off!

3. THE moment, amazing personnel, music and joking. Nerve block pain (dermatomes and myotomes in action!) and general anesthetic. Waking up with drool on my cheek and urge to remove my own arm.

Best part where the minicab brought me finally home and Jacqs kept me company all night. Changing bandages, making sure I had my painkillers and Nando's take away chicken and chips! Speaking our hearts out, gossiping, laughing, joking about everything and having someone there just in case if anything happens when the pain and slowly disappearing nerve block was slightly loosing its effects and the pain took more and more space in my mind.


Today: Recovering, changing bandages, somebody behind my door, over all paranoia. Feet like spaghetti and mind as sharp as a marble ball.

And these still got bloody after a few changes!

Note to yourself:

1. Take it easy and  walk only to the fridge or toilet and back to the bed because the wounds still leaks big time.

2. Make sure your medicated ALL THE TIME because if medicines wont knock you out, the pain will.

BTW I have to figure out a new career: Not sports psychic after all due to Argentina's victory  (BUT Netherland's did play all the way to penalties!)

P for Preparation (And oh so much, much more BUT lets concentrate on the main topic)

1. Super shopping trolley?... CHECK!

2.  Food to keep a small army alive for a month?... CHECK!

3. New bed with a space to keep my sling+pillow combo comfortable while recovering? CHECK!

4. New blinds to admire the beauty of nature while so much in pain that walking around is out of question?... CHECK!

5. All the stuff, clothes etc I need on my reach and not in heavy bags/boxes (below max in 1m height).... CHECK!

6. Reconnecting with the people who sometimes have no idea how big part they play in my life?... CHECK!

On friday evening I headed to a after exam BBQ party to catch up with my ex university colleagues.  Music, laughter and good food's all you need to nurture your body, mind and soul. (Thanks Jaqs for surprising me and bringing the gluten free hamburger stuff with you. They were delicious!) All that relieved exam stress and excitement of it all being history and summer ahead before next year's challenges. I miss all that: coffee breaks in the common room, parties, deep conversations about everything between earth and sky, practice outside practical lectures, falling asleep with your neuroanatomy book next you all stressed out about the next days exam and the teachers and tutors, pains and blessings? I miss all that and more... The time when I had a clear purpose in my life! (Sorry me self-pitying myself again...). Such a family atmosphere!

Guys you can definitely count on me to ask a bit of assistance after my surgery. Thanks to you who offered to help if any help is needed. I really appreciate that.

Saturday work mates for a drink including people I haven't seen for a long time and connecting with the ones I haven't had a change to speak with. Respect the fact that plenty of management from many a stores present. Amazing group of people working under the same roof!

On sunday Lena with her friends gave me a soft landing to finnish language and silly jokes among us women. You can't believe how a dating application Tinder can be handy cheer-up tool and how a delicious cocktail accompanied with a steak dinner can make your day.

Notice: The french drink from the jug. Cyrille there's 

a reason why those small little glass objects called  "a glass"

are on the table! 

How about yesterdays after work drinks that turned out to be the most amazing truth or dare evening with it's Long Island Ice tea pitchers revealing all the little dirty secrets with its "I have never..."-games? Big thanks! Brought so many memories to the surface that I'm still giggling. That's all I needed to get the worries out of my head.

Today my aim was to focus on me myself and I and reach the right state of mind: 

Some gossip magazines for the 

after operation state of mind!

Imagine the time flying at the work and funny enough all the customers being absolutely amazing and no difficult frustrating situations what so ever. I'm not a religious person but slightly superstitious and believe in strange things like omens and gut feelings. Well this is a definite omen that I'll find my way to Finland to recover from the surgery no matter what: One of our vendor's customer service agent was finnish and we had a nice chat in finnish about customers order (who btw happened to be a englishman living in Finland, married to a finnish woman and not only in love with her but with Finland too. He agreed that finnish women definitely are strong and stubborn and admired the beauty of the silence and nature in Finland.That woken up my longing for the sea breeze in the hottest summertime. There's nothing that compares to the hot summer day in Helsinki not only surrounded by the nature but the cool and fresh sea breeze! MmmMMmmmm....). Due to past extra hours spend at work I managed to finish early today and was escorted by the rock classics to the tube. I just love these classic rock guys working with that guitar with humble but totally fantastically skillful touch making my day. 

Of course I also made a phone call to Finland to inform my dad and brother what's going on. Dad got so excited of the idea of having me for a longer time period in Finland that his thinking about setting a lock on my bedrooms door. I will be allowed to use the bathroom once a day and otherwise kept behind the locks just to assist the shoulders healing process. Right.... 

After all the preparations I'm not actually surprised to find, yet again,  pieces of me from the floor mixed with tears and pieces of my naive shattered pink spectacles thinking "Wtf?! AGAIN?! Doesn't this rain of shit ever end?!", when I can only blame myself for not listening to my gut feeling when it was screaming to my ear (and apparently I'm literally, or my gut is, 100% right all the time. Look at the Brazil-Germany Football game. HA! I was telling straight from the beginning Germans will do great. Shame I didn't put any money on them...and when Netherlands beats Argentina I'm just going to hysterically laugh and become a sports psychic!).

My past has changed my way of looking at the world today and all I'll do as a response to all that has happened recently is to agree to the following quote:

How people treat you is their karma;how you react is yours.

- Wayne Dyer

When you close one door behind you it always means at least five more doors opening in front of you, right?

After all this I'm ready for tomorrow.... It's only a surgery and meeting up with all of you guys reminded me that I have already gone through so much more and luckily, even thought it sometimes feels like it, I wont be alone.

SO BRING IT ON!

Monday: A day off to gather myself back together and prioritize things in my life before the surgery. The clock is ticking and the D-day salutes me around the corner. The ever approaching next week!

I must say my landlord is the most amazing and fair man in the world. Not only a reasonable rent but he also replaces my broken single bed to a small double bed with a good mattress and changes a not-so-well-working blinds all free of charge. AMAZING!

Saturday the rain and grayness... and the store quieting Gay Pride! The traffic, as usual, completely f.... up, plenty of people everywhere and I literally felt the atmosphere to my small chucked away office in the back of the store.

Monday morning's  self-spoiling session. 

This morning is definitely one of those to remember. Imagine sitting on a small table in this idyllic small cafe La complainte de la butte by Rufus Wainwright playing in the background. People who's faces you recognize smile or nod at you and all the worries fade away with every sip of that amazing apple, pineapple and mint juice.

Food for the soul or what?

There I continued my way to central London to arm myself with green mirrored Ray Ban Aviators and clothes that are easy to to pull on. Life with one arm should be made as easy as possible.













Yesterday I got lost surfing the web again and actually watched this documentary (first of a series) of consumer culture and how we, consumers, are being brainwashed and engineered to upgrade, upgrade, upgrade and waste our fortune and time to something newer and better, because everyone has it and the media makes us believe that these things will magically change our lives... and actually we have no idea why we want to upgrade and spent. The men who made us spend read that and watch all the clips if you have a chance.

I'm not against consumer culture but the way it effects to our hold of the reality and belief's troubles me. I've met people living in a strange fantasy world not in touch with the reality and those who evaluate people by their superficial material gain and looks. Disturbing how some people can't walk out of their front door without their fake lashes nor thousand dollar shoes etc. I have never heard that you would be able to bring your fortune not even your fake size E boobs to your grave (Trust me some sick bastard will rob those ones too! And sell them forward to another blindfolded consumer..). Like that would really grade us? When it comes to surviving it doesn't matter what your carrying with you. Quality over quantity! And unfortunately the-engineered-expiery-date on products doesn't make even the known brands trustworthy. 2nd hand/vintage and thrift shopping here I come!

But everyone has the right to value their own things in life. What am I to comment to that?

"Today I walked on clouds,

       enjoyed the life's simple delights.

          After strange storms when rights to own pleasure 

              and ego's collides.

                I decided to step out of scene of proving market values,

                    making back flips and performing for others to use.

                      By not stressing about things and people who in the end gain less than loose, 

                          lifting my head up and rediscovering my own space and the people who I choose.

                               After all.... give and take they say,

                                  dealing with rare diamonds there's no other way."

For end amusement: Behold! This is my pink super trolley for those days of being only 1 handed. I already awakened  amusement near by Swiss Cottage while testing my wheels in everyday shopping.

F for frustration.

I woke up after six to get prepared for my early morning appointment at the Hospital. Good thing about the more earlier hours on weekdays is the space around you in the public transportation that allows you to move around and breath freely.

Got my appointment on time and shortly I faced with a nurse with a pile of paper looking more like a bible full of questions about my medical history and current health status.

Everything seemed absolutely fine and my narrow systemic medical history was shortly written down. (I know, I know.... but sports injuries etc. go under being active person and those simply aren't major medical problems.) The story would have been completely different if questions would have touched matters of heart, future plans or my current all-over-the-place role at work.

It is funny that I can be professional and confident when helping others to deal with their medical things but I just simply start panicking when visiting my GP or hospital myself. It happened again:

Blood pressure measurements were taken and I started giggling nervously when I saw my heart rate rising:

 ..... 65........  72 .......  78 ..... 80 ....

Hyperventilation and panicking are the names of the game! Hard to admit but I still feel light headed and shaky.  And it didn't help to get a pile of papers and advice to take home.

There I was listening with my heart rate rising by every word that she said and when asked if I had any questions:

With arms wrapped around my body to keep me from shaking and eyes fully open with begging stare I asked: "When will I have the next appointment after the surgery? I really want to fly to Finland to see my family and be looked after by them". 

Nurse: "The doctor will tell you exactly what will come after your surgery. "

Apparently my return to Finland for a short time period is endangered.


Universe can you stop sending more shit to my direction?! Every cloud should have a silver lining. And I'm a diamond already so no more pressure is needed!

YEAH BABY! Or actually... my shoulder... sh....

The only thing you can do in these kind of situations is just to laugh on the faces of challenges and stop caring about things that don't deserve your attention. BOOM!

Just to annoy you guys here's my song of the week. Pharrell Williams - Happy

There are still many questions that haven't found any answers... yet.

Questions like what is the meaning of life? What is conciseness? What happens after life? And why 1/3 of the customers in my local Marks&Spencer's eat their grocery that they haven't even paid yet?! And why on earth people travel on the underground wearing sunglasses? (I know my presense can be quite blinding at the times.  I just can't help it! But still...) WHY??!

We may never know the answers but that doesn't mean that these subjects wont irritate us in the future as well...

Day off was a long waited blessing and time charge to my batteries. As soon as I got home from work I made some crepes and almost immediately fell asleep... just to wake up again 10pm to an achy shoulder and stayed awake till 2am.

The best crepes in the world need only some 

gluten free all purpose flour, eggs, sparkling water
and a pinch of salt and oil. The fillings can be anything you wish.
Sweet or savory you decide!

My brother woke me up at 10am first laughing what on earth I'm doing in the bed at this time and then asking when will I come to Finland. I've been officially hired to babysit one of these fellows while he renovates the kitchen and my sister in law cruises to Stockholm.  The idea having some fluffy  company while medicated and recovering after the surgery sounds amazing.

He promised pretty good salary: Barbecued meals for 3 days! (Not sure will that cover my brothers talkative nature and fierce temper..)

On my day off I try to do as much as I can to avoid anything related to work or any matter causing stress. So eventually I found myself on my way to Hoxton and the Geffrye Museum of Home .

Blessed by the sun

Hoxton station has that twist and nice
mix of old and modern

At least in overground you have some space to breath!

Not just beautiful architecture but examples of peoples life from the 1600's to 20th century! And looking at it I came to conclusion that England's taste of decor has never developed since the late 1800's. What else could explain the whole floor carpets, floral sofas and having laminate floors (or a carpet) in the bathroom?!

 I fell in love with the small reading rooms about culture, decoration, history,  garden etc.

Got super excited when found this book and a lot of information about finnish design too. The classic Marimekko was represented (at least in this book) but I was surprised not to find anything designed by Alvar Aalto.  His chairs are just much more better looking...

Apparently Denmark has left a bigger impression in UK than any other culturally scandinavian country. Your loss England.

I did spend most of my visit in the garden admiring the plants and nature. 

I took many a pictures more but decided that I wont bore you with my fetish. In the future I will for sure have my own small garden with all shebang: Herbs, flowers, trees... You name it! And of course that small atelje, studio room, cottage where I can retreat to think and be a loner at times. 

Just walking around staring at things and mind completely blank can be really relaxing.

And I made history too. Not in a five years have I taken out my pencils, oil paints etc. and used the now dusty corner of my brains to mix and mingle with colors to create different visions.  How could I with all that work and studying? So let me introduce you to a few of my so called drawings. Color pencils are not my tool of choice and the color palette a bit too narrow for my taste and the result a bit rusty (Actually really, I mean REALLY, rusty)... But one of these days I'll get there again!  

Have anyone of you guys experienced the full force of the monday misery?... (M-M between friends!) Well I did. Not only I felt like risen from the grave but starting from my nail polish that just didn't succeed it continued all the way from customers bringing it all out on you to a hair frizzing rain after work. Not even a bucket full of french roast vanilla coffee did save my day.

Salmiakki and finnish chocolate in the same package... 

happy days!

One film I would highly recommend for everyone to watch I am slave directed by Garbriel Range. Girl brought up to understand her value and look people in the eyes without fear is suddenly sold to be a slave.  The result of physical and mental abuse is terrible and makes holding to your identity everyday challenge.  I found myself holding my breath and tears when she first saw her farther after 6 years and couldn't reach him. Same thing when she turned to a stranger for help and looking straight into his eyes said she's a slave.



As a finn I have to disagree with the blog writing by Just Saskia about this movie. Book probably is better as usual but I wouldn't call this movie flat at all. (After all The Man Without a Past by Aki Kaurismäki is a a good example of a true finnish pearl about "flatness".)  You don't need special effects nor animation to make an amazing movie. After all I'm a slave is based on a true story.

Btw. The shoulder operation still approaching and apparently in speed off light! This friday morning I'll have a meeting with the anesthesia department and only in 2 weeks from today I'll be under the knife. How scary is that?!

I've never broken a bone nor been in a proper surgery in my whole life and there it is. Right in front of me! It really doesn't help to have years of knowledge behind you about these matters. And don't let me even get started about the results of my analytic thinking. The worst nightmares gone through already... so been there, done that, seen all! How amazing human mind can be?

But maybe this will stop these odd situation in my life when a glass suddenly slips of from my hand? Or a telephone? (Thank god it wasn't a customer at the other end of the line!) And sometimes even a small plastic bag. How about that lack of normal skin sensations? Maybe I actually will be able, on my worst days, to sleep without an army of pillows to position my shoulder or when the pain really hits you and the storm nausea drives you crazy live without all that?

I was once asked where I see myself in ten years time. Over half a year ago the answer was simple: I'll have my very own hospital/clinic or even chain of clinics and would be a successful osteopath known all over the world!

Now when I was asked the very same question I experienced one of those speechless moments. Where am I going to be?... What am I going to be?... and that oh so familiar blond moment when nothing moves in your head and suddenly it all clicks together. With a confidence I said that in ten years time I wish I'm happy and healthy (with a working arm too!). I will have my very own family and be surrounded by my loved ones. People who care about me and who I care about.

Once your successful among the people around you it all will sort itself out.

I was taught from a very young age to respect everybody around me. No matter where they come from or what burden they carry because one of these days I maybe the one carrying that burden and any burden is much more easier carried when you got some help. That doesn't mean that you should always take the easier route, please everybody and walk paths laid in-front of you. It's all about respect. (Wink wink... after the surgery I really may need your help guys in simple everyday things like cooking, washing my hair etc. As a reward you can have some of my signature cupcakes! Once I'm able to bake again... BUT it's all about the idea right?)

This morning when crawling to the bathroom all cross eyed and looking like a Tina Turner having a really, really bad day, through the open window the smell of summer welcomed me. Rain didn't only flush dirt and pollen away but leave this amazing smell of nature waking up lingering in the air.

Thank god for the other days of the week!

Midsummer. The time of nightless night and reconnecting yourself with the nature and ground (sometimes a bit too literally).

I ended up sharing my night with the most amazing people (not with the people I originally chose to but there must be a greater reason for the change of plans. Besides being somebody's back up plan is not really that mind exploding).

The night was not just dancing, drinking nor eating but a feast of laughter and fun! Let the pictures speak more than words!

Grass between my toes

I couldn't care less of those

worries in my mind and heart

which once in a while turn into 

a bigger form of an art.

Breeze in my hair

a mind full of dare

sweet taste left on my lips

I cannot believe this is something

people choose to miss!

Lost in the midsummer dance

where time stops and not only for a glance 

But for a full day of play and joy

when world is not only your oyster but a toy

So please do excuse me when I say

midsummer is the time to break the never ending

routine play 

No titles nor material gain

Just the happiness of existing and time to be gay!

Hope you all had amazing Juhannus/Midsummer day!